iHacer un Vacación! Day 1

Location: Miles City, Montana
Miles traveled thus far: 700
Hours in the car: 12
Status: Comfortably ensconced in our two-and-a-half star hotel.
Mood: Wiped
Listening to: Llama trying to describe to my dad what a Waxing Gibbous is (with limited success).

This morning around 6:45, my alarm went off. Melted snow hummed through the sump pump, birds were singing, wildlife was awakening, and I was perfectly content to sleep through all of it. Just as I rolled over to resume a delightful dream I was having involving a rubber duck, a large pool, a hefty amount of bubbles and one scantly clad Johnny Depp, my dad swaggered through the bathroom adjoining my bedroom going about his morning routine (allegedly going nowhere near my bottle of Old Spice, but I know better), making as much noise as humanly possible and effectively depriving me of any further sleep. I finished packing my various essentials and Old Spice paraphernalia and we wound up leaving around 9:30.
Around 10:30 we stopped in Clearwater at Nelson Bros Bakery for cinnamon rolls the size of hubcaps. 

As it turns out, if you buy 8 or more gallons of gas, you get a free car wash. We sat through an immensely satisfying 2 minute automatic car wash and struck out again, the cleanest (and therefore best) car on the road. 

At 11:15 we passed a car advertising an extreme relaxation drink slash dietary supplement creatively named Drank. Evidently it's part of some massive movement to get people to be more laid back. I fully endorse it. I'm adding Drank to my ever-growing List Of Beverages I Must Try Before I Die. (See also: Brawndo).

We stopped at a local Best Buy to get a device for playing music because the drivers got bored with the local radio stations.

A lil bit later (time begins to blur with the lack of geographical landmarks that is North Dakota), we experienced a problem with our right front tire and spent a half hour at Northwestern Tire waiting for them to fix it. Out on the road again.

Yet later, we stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas. There, we witnessed a gaggle of 15 year old girls saran-wrapping a car. They even thoughtfully included colourful post-it notes. I was amused. Papa was not.

Eventually the sun went down and I grew weary of operating the cruise control and decided to pull off into a rest stop and let papa take over. Little did we know we had stumbled upon quite a collection of gifts left behind for us by the local wildlife. 

Once we got past the minefield of buffalo guano (apparently called "meadow muffins" by the locals) and into the actual bathroom, this was posted on the wall.

My mind was instantly filled with vivid images of a young Amish boy stumbling upon a rest stop on his way to a neighboring village with his sturdy Shetland pony in tow. Not sure why.

Once we cleared the bathrooms, we ventured out back to see if we could harass any feral cows. The sight that greeted us was astounding. Basically, we had discovered the Bad Lands.

Llama and I concluded that in the event of a nuclear armageddon, we would host a paintball tournament here for those who need to touch up on their aim. 

The drive to the hotel was dark and uneventful. I fell asleep. Which was apparently a bad idea considering I was the navigator. 

A few pictures of the hotel.

Labeled pillow cases:

A remote made out of recycled plastics:

A little bathroom thing:

Aaaaaand a poem/prayer thing I found on my bed.

Sorry if this post was less lively than previous ones. I'm beat. Til tomorrow!

Emmo ♥

p.s. the time stamp lies. It is now 12:10ish mountain time.

Free Shakespeare! Limit two Shakespeare per customer.

Hola Gorgonzola. The first two hours of spring break find me loafing around my kitchen eating ice cream and dreaming about my upcoming vacation. Tomorrow morning at an undetermined time, my dad (the aforementioned God-awful driver who fashions closets for a living), Llama (a somewhat less intelligent sub-species of baboon that my parents seem to believe is my brother), and myself are all going to pile in the car for yet another thrilling road trip, this time to the mountains of Montana and Colorado. Now some (possibly both) of you may be wondering, spring break? Mountains? Snow? Where did I leave my lucky hobo's foot? Yes, I'm one of those people that clings to icicles and hides in dark, air-conditioned corners when the temperature rises above 25 degrees. As the weather here in Minnesota threatens to become hospitable, I gather my monkey lantern and flee to the mountains, my unwilling father and brother in tow. Mom, Hannah and Ellen have elected to stay behind and take advantage of our extended absence by indulging in pizza rolls and Omni films. I, on the other hand, will be dining on almonds and sparkling water as we make our way west. But there is hope! I've hoarded muffins for the ride. I'm not fat. Don't look at me like that.

In related news, I recently (and by recently, I mean about 6 months ago) acquired my permit. About time, considering I'm turning 18 in August. My picture is spectacular. The photographer lady at the DMV pressed the button seconds after a massive sneeze. I look flying high. But, on the plus side, I lied about my height to make myself seem an inch and a half taller than I actually am. Perhaps the natives in Bozeman can't read numbers, and will mistakenly let me into an 18+ club reserved for people over 6 feet tall. I might even get a virgin daiquiri out of the deal.

That being said, I'm going to try to make an effort to post on a somewhat regular basis over the course of my trip. Who knows, with a little luck and a formidable flock of chocolate puffins, the habit might even carry on after I get home, too.

My washing machine just dinged. I can tell you with a reasonable degree of certainty that I left a red crayon in the pocket of my jeans that I neglected to remove before washing. Off I go to survey the damage.

Til (hopefully) tomorrow!

Emmo ♥

Fungus Balls II: Return of the Balls of Especially Filthy Fungus

Greetings readers (both of you).  This is the Urglurg, returning to public life after a brief stint in several institutions (of art and mental stability).  And the hospital when Emmo realized that her arrival at my house was not acknowledged by the throwing of Starbursts (similar in execution to the throwing of confetti at weddings).
In lieu of a list of thrilling events that have happened to me since my last guest post, I shall instead invite you on a magical, somewhat random (okay, really random) trip to a little plot of moon.  Aka http://www.devinsmoonplot.piczo.com/?cr=6.  Here you shall witness the epic battle between Zombies and Gnomes.  Kingdoms will fall, friendships shall be torn, and the Urglurg shall fall for an impossible love of...orange peels?  Thus is the prophesy of which Emmo speaks.

Emmo will be blue. The god of Devin's moon plot has spoken. I find myself back at la casa de Urglurgburgfemurg once again. It's been years. Bling! That's really exciting. If I accidentally happen to brush my knuckles ever so gently against the *beautiful* face of the Urglurg herself, it will leave an imprint! Huzzah!
In related news, I have found new man meat. Yes! Man meat! Be happy for Emmo.

*Urglurg takes keyboard*

And by man meat she means boy meat.  Considering his lack of a car and facial hair, or the ability to acquire either. 

*Emmo snatches back the keyboard as The Ungrateful Urglurg tends to the very recent "imprints" hiding amongst her facial hair*

*Emmo wins brief tussle over control of the keyboard*

*Emmo is accused, but not convicted of armed robbery of the keyboard*

*The Urglurg types under Emmo's wenis*

And by armed robbery she means hitting me repeatedly with her arm.

*Emmo beats Urglurg senseless with a shoehorn*

Remind me to buy a spiked collar (with the spikes pointing in, of course) for that creature. She has just recently informed me of the fact that she has been given a ferret. And she didn't tell me. She also named him Mr. Nibbles. Without consulting me. This is a clear violation of the rules we set down when the higher-ups granted us permission to live in adjacent cells.

The rules were declared null and void when she used tied me to Maggie as a distraction so as to escape from her cell.

I had a perfectly good reason for doing so. She was holding me back. I had big doin's to accomplish out there in the real world full of people who are not required to wear locator cuffs on their ankles and who eat real lasagna that does not come from a can. My escape plan failed, but only because the Urglurg decided to start crying like a baby when i took away her favourite spoon. The guards were alerted and I was escorted back to my cell in the most uncomfortable white jacket.

Actually, I started crying like a baby because Maggie started to chew off my face and left foot simultaneously.  It was a very troubling experience. 

Maggie is very talented. She never gets recognition for her efforts. She can 2-dimentionalize any object by simply sitting on it. That is a talent Superman himself would be envious of. I'm sure it would come in handy.
Random tangent: My team won the world cup this past week. It was very exciting. My coach even lead a tribal dance around the pitcher's mound. I got my picture taken with the pope, too. He told me not to worry about what the other teams might say, and that they were just jealous. He's my buddy.
Hmm. What else to say. Oh! The Urglurg got me a present! Yes, you heard right! We're friends now. We bonded over a cold cup of coffee and a scone. It was a nice afternoon.

That's code for: I ate her scone and drank her Caribou Cooler while professing an interest in recieving weekly offerings. 

She's that kind of person. But i am able to withstand her presence for an increased incriment of time. Also, i have bequeathed my last pair of BAGs. B.A.G.s stands for Boys Athletic Gaucho(s). We like to wear them not as a shout-out to our athletic transvestite friends, but because we like them. They are comfortable.

This concludes our blog for today. Next time i kidnap her and bring her back to this deserted island, we'll post again. Til then!

~Emmo

Except knowing her I'll have to do all the planning for my own kidnapping.

BUT it shall be worth it to be apart of another blog.  Tootles, the  Urglurg.

Thunder! Lightening! Bullfrogs! Oh my!

Hullo to both of the people who read this blog! I haven't posted in a really long time...since the beginning of sophomore year, actually. It is now the summer of my junior year. That's right, I am now officially an upperclassman. Holla!

In an effort to make this post more interesting, i will highlight random words in random colours.

One (or both) of you may ask, what do I intend to do with my newfound power? And so I answer you: I vow now to use my powers for good, to help underclassmen when they are being bullied, to assist in the removal of the heads of freshmen from the insides of the toilet bowls, and to tear down any "Platform 9 3/4" signs that may mysteriously find their way onto the unexplained door-shaped hollow brick wall near the commons. I take a vow of hospitality and of humility as I accept this newfound power.

And now, an IQ test! Which of you believed me? What? Neither of you did? Aww. I thought I could lie well. I guess not. Evil face! As a junior, heaven knows how many people will check into the local psychiatric ward because of me. I wonder if they would name a wing of their building after me if I asked them very nicely? Sigh. A girl can dream.

My house was recently struck by thunder. A few minutes ago, actually. There is an impressive storm meandering it's way over here as we speak. WCCO.com even awarded it the coveted magenta dot on its radar. I hope this means the power will go out. I like it when the power goes out. It gives me an excuse to use my monkey lantern. It looks like this:

I named him Raanan. It means "fresh" in Hebrew. Look at that face. Doesn't it just scream FRESH to you? No? Maybe if I gave him some bling...and a crown! Crowns make everyone look fresh.

Now THAT is fresh. If only they sold monkey-sized flav-a-flav...I would never sleep. Maybe it's better they don't.

On a completely unrelated note, I have recently named my phone. His name is Sebastian. I named him thus due to the picture of a clay owl currently adorning the front of it. He has a space helmet. Also, I lose my phone a lot, so I can now come charging upstairs, waving my arms wildly and demanding to know if anyone has seen Sebastian. It is immensely satisfying, if you do it right. 

Tomorrow, I am going to hang out with Ryan again. Yes, Ryan! Hi Ryan! You know what that means...mystery meat and video games! I also might possibly get a bellybutton piercing, or end up in the Bahamas. You never really know with Ryan. 

A list of things that have not changed since I posted last time:

• I still do not have my driver's license
• My iPod is still my reason for living
• I am still on Facebook religiously 
• I still live and breathe duct tape
• I am still female
• I still have the same number of teeth
• I have still successfully avoided mowing the lawn

Otherwise, my life has been lacking in thrilling-ness. Next post will be more interesting, I promise! Probably because I will be typing it whilst playing keep-the-laptop-away-from-the-Urglurg at her house. 

Until next time! 

Emmo

Took me long enough.

Welcome back, emmo! apologies for not posting in awhile, i kinda forgot that i had this. i'm sitting in my brother's apartment surrounded by his 26-year-old amigos (all male, all gamers with varying degrees of enthusiasm). Plans for this evening are sketchy, not sure if we're going out for a movie i've never heard of or staying at home for a movie and a meal consisting of charred mystery meat of uncertain origin and mountain dew warmed over a candle. In any case, this evening should prove interesting.

Recent achievement: i finally caught up with all my technology-savvy friends and got an ipod touch. it is, in my opinion, one of the most pointlessly addictive devices of the modern age. i've already squandered the itunes giftcard i bought myself in the amount of $25 on pointless apps such as the Zippo lighter, bubble wrap, etc. The pleasure of converting your music-playing device into a mirror can be yours for only $11! (mirror=fancy frame around the perimeter of the screen, leaving the center blank). What a deal. Needless to say, i will be wasting away most of the remainder of my existence as a teenager playing on my new itouch. :)

Education: an excellent excuse for adults to vent the anger pent-up from years of being beaten upon by their elders. School resumes in less than a month, booya. Sophomore year begins with a flurry of depressed sighs and much rolling of the eyes. Not much else to say on that subject.

Apparently now we have to go pick up the pizza. It was a short post, but it served its purpose. Until next time!

~emmo

fungus balls

hello, faithful readers (aka old men in basements). today finds me sitting in the Urglurg's house and listening to her father argue with himself about something electronic (conversations that revolve around such topics usually confuse me, so i busied myself with making faces at the Urglurg behind her back.)

*Urglurg steals keyboard*

Hey! At least my dad doesn't sleepwalk!

*Urglurg gives back keyboard*

if anyone could explain how she managed to steal the keyboard, type a random comment (typical), and give it back before i realize she has moved, drop me a line. in the meantime, i think i shall continue to mooch her starbursts and look at her with puppy eyes (hence the starbursts), it is quite fascinating to watch her expression as she reads this under my elbow (wenis for all you MMEers out there, excluding the old men in basements).

*Urglurg tosses Starburst up, grabs keyboard as Emmo leaps up to retrieve them*

Yeah, 'cause puppy eyes REALLY go good with a gorilla face.....Erm, love ya, Emmo....

*having retrieved the starbursts and safely eaten every last one of them, Emmo steals back keyboard and gives the Urglurg a withering look*

shame on that creature, she ought to be kept on a leash. she assures me that she is "prone to muscle spasms" that only seem to happen when it's convenient (aka around me...i think i drew the short straw when it came to picking friends)

so, here i sit (well, sort of, considering the wild dance i occasionally must preform to keep the chair to myself)

*emmo shrieks in terror as the Urglurg holds up a clay likeness of a shrivelled old man that is terrifyingly realistic (no offense to all you basement-dwellers). Urglurg resumes her favorite pastime: laughing at emmo and grabbing the keyboard*

Ooh, the wisdom of Emmo (I know, I was amazed when I learned she had some too). "We act like we're stoned, we dance like we have to pee, and we talk like we're mentally challenged. But that's what makes us doofs--er, friends." Love it. Hm, that rat has eaten all my Starbursts. Starbursts or the keyboard. Wait, it's more like "life or death" when it comes to Emmo and Starbursts. I should have her make a poll on that one......

*emmo takes advantage of the Urglurg going to fetch more Starbursts and once again takes command of the keyboard*

i think my fondness of starbursts can come in handy sometimes, especially when i am in the company of a thief such as Urgness. wow, that almost sounded like a disease. Urgness.

young man: what is the diagnosis, doctor?

doctor: i'm sorry, son, but the tests came back positive: you have Urgness.

young man: oh, bugga!
young man's aging mother: oh, Steggy, i'm so sorry! *bursts into tears and sobs into handkerchief*
young man: there there, mother, i may still have some time left. *moves to hug mother*
young man's aging mother: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, I WANT TO LIVE TO SEE THE LAST SEASON OF WHEN WE WERE YOUNG!!!!!

yes, yes, i can see it now......maybe i should sell Urglurg off to the funny farm before we all fall mortally ill...

*As Emmo inches away from Urglurg, she takes the opportunity to kidnap keyboard*

They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, hee hee, to the funny farm! Where life is beautiful all the time!

*Dances like she has to pee off stage left*

*applauds loudly to general astoundment* bravo, Urglurg, bravo! such a wonderful potty-dance was never preformed onstage by such a....er....well, we'll go with talented....being. when people ask me what my favorite animal is, i smile and say, "why, the urglurg, of course!" they look at me as if i am stoned, and i point knowingly to the exhibit on the left labeled "HIGHLY UNSTABLE". i get a general nodding of heads after the Urglurg scratches behind her ear with her big toe.

*Tosses Emmo out of chair and sits down*

That takes maaaaad skillz!!!

*Is dive bombed by Emmo's artillery of Starbursts*

that'll teach her to respect the way of the Jedi

having fed the Urglurg a very fruity, undoubtedly high-sugar drink, can we take a guess as to what happens next?

a) she takes a flying leap out the window, screaming something along the lines of "HYENA'S IN THE PRIDELANDS!"

b) plays with an imaginary gun that somehow manages to shoot real bullets

c) takes over the snack food industry (Lay's won't know what hit 'em...)

let's take a poll, shall we? yes, that's a lovely, idea, Emmo, why don't you do that? i ask myself the same question. why shouldn't i? i think i should. i think, therefore i am, right? so, all things considered (including the Urglurg's incessant poking of my elbow as i attempt to regain my self-control), i think that's a splendid idea. take the poll at the bottom of the screen or suffer the wrath of the Urglurg (remember the black plague? me neither, but apparently Urglurg had something to do with it. i think they blamed the rats, but i know better).

until then, my dear and cherished basement-dwellers!

~em

p.s. what is your favorite letter? mine is the squiggly! ~~~~~~~ i love the squiggly. it just has such a nice little figure, wouldn't you say?

*Urglurg squeals in delight as the keyboard is handed over*

Yay! Until next time, folks! Hopefully this ravishing, clever, divine creature next to me will allow me to post again. *Pokes Emmo hopefully* If that's a no, you're a snoob.
Check out the poll people!
My favorite letter's V!
Okay, now for my last parting words:
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, sit back, and let them wonder how you did it.

last skijammers

hey y'all, em here (duh). today was the last day of skijammers (tear tear). for the first, i dunno, 1/2 hour, i skiied with my class of inferior skiiers (gold...consisting of myself, austin, evan, nate, jack, and alex). that was cool. we took the wall a couple of times. the snow was great, and temperatures reached a soaring 30 degrees! perfect skiing weather. after the first 1/2 hour, i spotted Robbie in the crowd and skiied with him until lunch at noon. i can now do a tuck and racing turns, so i'll kick the butt off of all of you next time we go skiing!!!!!!! mwahaha! after that, i waited 45 minutes for my ever-punctual brother. i wiped the slopes with him, seeing as he hasn't been skiing in four years. i am currently sitting on his sofa in his apartment in Shoreview, watching him play grutosque video games and listening to him recite his lame jokes. on the ride home, we cranked up the volume and blared Linkin Park. new songs on my favorite list include Bleed it out, What i've done, Hands held high, Leave out all the rest, Apologize (not by linkin park, but i still like it), etc. my hair looks like i stuck my head in a blender, but whatevah, right?


howsabout a nice random picture to top things off with a nice cherry, eh? yes, emily, thats a wonderful idea, lets have it!

scary, huh? i really don't have anything to say to that other than it made me scratch my head and say "um....okay". cool beans.

official update: ryan has burped loudly 8 times this evening. let's all give him a round of applause, shall we? *attempts to clap but sneezes in the process* ooh, bless me. you gotta cut me some slack, though, ry cooked chicken for dinner on his "lean mean fat-reducing grilling machine". yum. my totaly dinner meal consisted of chicken, cottage cheese, macaroni and cheese, salad and milk. an all-around well-balanced meal, right? in any case, it was really good. my big bro can boil some mean noodles, i can tell ya that.

well, i should probably get up and do something productive (like checking rian's and beaker's blogs, for example). well, for now, lads/lassies!

-em